Let’s Talk… The Burden of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is often glorified in today’s world, where the constant pursuit of excellence is praised and where flaws are hidden behind filters, edits, and facades. But underneath the glossy exterior lies a more complex reality. Perfectionism, at its core, is less about achieving greatness and more about avoiding mistakes, seeking validation, and struggling with an ever-present fear of failure. In this article, we explore the multifaceted nature of perfectionism, its roots, its effects on women, its toll on mental health, and how we can break free from its relentless grip.
The Roots of Perfectionism: Where Does It Come From?
Perfectionism often has deep roots, shaped by early life experiences and societal expectations. Many perfectionistic tendencies develop in childhood, influenced by parental expectations, school pressures, or an innate desire to receive praise and validation. Children may grow up learning that mistakes are unacceptable, and success is only meaningful if it is flawless. These early lessons are reinforced by societal messages that link self-worth with achievement, fostering internal pressures that continue into adulthood.
Striving for Excellence versus Striving for Perfectionism
While striving for excellence is healthy, it is distinct from perfectionism. Excellence is about pushing oneself to do the best possible job while accepting that setbacks and learning curves are part of the process. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is a toxic pursuit of flawlessness, often accompanied by fear of failure and an obsessive focus on avoiding mistakes. Healthy ambition embraces growth and effort; perfectionism is paralyzing and self-destructive.
Perfectionism and Narcissism: The Overlap
Interestingly, there’s also a connection between perfectionism and narcissism. While perfectionism and narcissism may appear as opposite ends of the personality spectrum, they share key similarities. Narcissists often impose perfectionistic demands onto others and promote an image of perfection, seeking admiration and validation. For men, this often manifests as other-oriented perfectionism, a need to see those around them live up to high expectations. Women, on the other hand, may focus on promoting a “perfect” physical appearance, aligning with societal expectations around beauty .
Perfectionism in Women: Why Are We More Susceptible?
Research indicates a noteworthy gender difference in how perfectionism affects individuals. Girls, for instance, are more likely to experience heightened sadness and diminished self-worth as a result of perfectionism. Their online activities can worsen these feelings, especially when they’re compared unfavorably to the “ideal” images frequently showcased on social media. Avoiding social media can sometimes mitigate these effects.
Women, in particular, bear a disproportionate burden of perfectionism due to societal and gender expectations. From early childhood, girls are often taught to be “good,” to excel academically, to be kind, and to care for others—all while looking flawless. As women grow older, the pressure to “have it all” intensifies, leading to the expectation of being a perfect employee, partner, mother, and friend. Studies show, this pressure to juggle multiple roles while excelling in each can lead to exhaustion and burnout.
The Link Between Perfectionism and Mental Health
The toll perfectionism takes on mental health is significant, often manifesting as anxiety, depression, or even burnout. Perfectionists are trapped in a cycle of relentless self-criticism and fear of failure, which can lead to chronic stress. One study found that individuals who exhibit high levels of perfectionism are at an increased risk of developing severe psychological distress, including depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation.
The pressure to achieve perfection can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as perfectionists believe they are never good enough, no matter what they accomplish. According to recent research on adolescents, the study, emphasizes that effective intervention requires a multidimensional approach that addresses individual cognitive and emotional control difficulties .
In particular, self-critical perfectionism—a form where people judge themselves harshly and set unrealistically high standards—is linked with a negative self-image, sadness, and reduced self-worth. Such self-criticism often thrives in the social media environment, where comparisons are frequent and idealized images are omnipresent .
The Paradox: Why Striving for Perfection Can Lead to Failure
Ironically, the pursuit of perfection can often lead to failure. Perfectionists may procrastinate because they fear their work won’t be flawless, or they may avoid new challenges entirely to prevent failure. This perfection-induced paralysis can result in missed opportunities, lower productivity, and even self-sabotage. The more perfectionists strive to avoid mistakes, the more they can hinder their own success.
Perfectionism and Relationships: How It Affects Connections with Others
Perfectionism doesn’t just affect personal goals; it impacts interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists may hold themselves—and others—to impossibly high standards, leading to frustration, disappointment, and conflict. This can create a barrier to genuine connection, as the fear of being imperfect may prevent vulnerability, an essential component of healthy relationships.
Research into the interpersonal dimensions of perfectionism shows three main types—self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed perfectionism—each affecting relationships differently. Self-oriented perfectionism, for example, is linked to adaptive qualities like assertiveness but can also isolate individuals due to their high expectations of themselves. In contrast, other-oriented perfectionism, where individuals expect perfection from those around them, often leads to arrogance and dominance, traits that strain relationships .
Socially prescribed perfectionism—the belief that others expect perfection—can lead to a sense of social distance and a lack of genuine connection. Those experiencing this type of perfectionism may feel intense interpersonal distress and find it challenging to maintain healthy relationships, as their self-worth is constantly judged against perceived external standards .
Perfectionism vs. Imposter Syndrome: The Connection
Perfectionism and imposter syndrome often go hand in hand. Perfectionists may feel like they are never good enough, leading to persistent feelings of inadequacy. Imposter syndrome reinforces the idea that success is a fluke, further fueling the need to prove oneself by achieving perfection. Together, these issues create a cycle of self-doubt and anxiety.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from perfectionism requires intentional effort. It starts with challenging perfectionistic thoughts and allowing oneself to embrace mistakes as part of the learning process. Setting realistic goals, practicing self-compassion, and learning to celebrate small victories are key strategies for managing perfectionism. Developing a “growth mindset,” where the focus is on effort rather than the outcome, can also be a powerful tool for overcoming these tendencies.
Emerging treatments, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), have shown promise in addressing perfectionism’s negative effects. CBT helps individuals reevaluate their thought patterns, making it easier to handle setbacks without harsh self-criticism. Some countries, are also beginning to introduce classroom-based programs in their schools to reduce perfectionistic tendencies, particularly focusing on stress management and mindfulness, viewing failures as stepping stones for growth, and reducing the internalized need to meet impossible standards .
Another promising approach is self-compassion, which can counter perfectionistic tendencies. Self-compassion fosters resilience by encouraging individuals to treat themselves with the same kindness they would offer to a friend, reducing self-blame and fostering healthier coping strategies in response to stress and setbacks .
In a world where perfection is often unattainable, redefining our goals and expectations can open pathways to healthier self-acceptance. Embracing flaws, appreciating efforts, and finding meaning in growth rather than perfection can ultimately reduce the burden perfectionism imposes on our lives.
Conclusion
Perfectionism can feel like a badge of honor, but it often masks deeper struggles with self-worth and mental health. While striving for excellence can be positive, when it crosses into perfectionism, it can become toxic. Recognizing the signs of perfectionism, understanding its roots, and learning how to let go of unrealistic standards are essential steps toward embracing a more balanced, fulfilling life.
References
Ashby, J. S., Rice, K. G., & Martin, J. L. (2006). Perfectionism, shame, and depressive symptoms. Journal of Counseling & Development, 84(2), 148–156. 10.1002/j.1556-6678.2006.tb00390.x
Hill, R. W., Zrull, M. C., & Turlington, S. (1997). Perfectionism and interpersonal problems. Journal of Personality Assessment, 69(1), 81–103.
Nazari, N. (2022). Perfectionism and mental health problems: Limitations and directions for future research. World Journal of Clinical Cases, 10(14), 4709. 10.12998/wjcc.v10.i14.4709
Sherry, S. B., Gralnick, T. M., Hewitt, P. L., Sherry, D. L., & Flett, G. L. (2014). Perfectionism and narcissism: Testing unique relationships and gender differences. Personality and Individual Differences, 61-62, 52–56. 10.1016/j.paid.2014.01.007
Stoeber, J., Smith, M. M., Saklofske, D. H., & Sherry, S. B. (2021). Perfectionism and interpersonal problems revisited. Personality and Individual Differences, 169, 110106. 10.1016/j.paid.2020.110106
